Cujo-Folks, we're BACK ON TRACK and this is going to be the most ELECTRIFYING CARD IN 1999! Right after the crowning of the KOYT and The reformation of the PAC, I dunno how SPCW could get any BIGGER.
Dude Vince-Either do, Cujo...I HATE Austin....
Cujo-Don't we ALL, Vince...don't we all...
Dude Vince-You know who I admire, though? That devilishly good looking and talented Demonspawn..he reminds me of myself...screwing people over...being a bloodthirsty businessman..
Cujo-All things to be-[Ohhhhhhhhh...CHA!]...uh-oh..that's DS's music..here he comes!

"Welcome To The Jungle" hits and Demonspawn walks down to the ring, closely followed by Mike Cryson. Demonspawn is getting hit with flying trash from the crowd but he just sweeps the trash off of him with his cape as he brings the mic to his mouth.
"It SURE is nice to be back in my HOME STATE of Virginia for this very special occasion. Virginia truly is the home of champions...I mean..nothing BAD has EVER come from Virginia and I'm HONORED to be here. I mean, even MIKE here-"
Mike whispers something in his ear.
"Oh! Wow..I'm SO sorry..this isn't VA...this is that SHITHOLE of a state...North Carolina. MY bad...see it's just the opposite..nothing GOOD ever came from this incestuous cesspool of a state. You stupid hicks don't even show me the proper respect...my SHOES are worth more than your LIVES, rednecks! But I digress..there are more pressing matters at hand. DEgeneration Poof...[crowd cheers]....I have a bone to pick with you morons. You make my fed look STUPID...the last thing we need is more fans from places like North Carolina. All you can do is run around and say "Poof It!"...just GROW UP...you're in your 20s for god sakes! So Mike Cryson...truly and educated man..will SCHOOL your childish selves in the ring...Mike? You got something to say?
Mike Cryson grabs the mic....
"Bas Ass, don't tink dat I'm gonna hol' back on you tunnight jus' because you ain't a boxer. I guaruntee dat youse'll be KOd by da FIRST ROUND. In fact..let's place a bet on dis match. If I can't knock youse out by da first round then I'll JOIN DEGENERATION POOF. [crowd cheers]. But if I DO knock you out in da first roun'...I pick da stipulation fo' our match at the PPV...back ta youse, DS....
"Thanks, Mike..so you heard it here first, SPCWites...Mike Cryson GUARUNTEES a first round knock out of Bad Ass. Speaking of the JEW AGED INLAWS [crowd cheers]...Roadkill Kenny James..or rather..KING Roadkill...since Macho Kid mysteriously dissapeared..looks like I'LL have to administer a beating to you ON MY OWN! You want a match at the PPV? I dunno..doesn't seem real fair..I mean...me against YOU? With MY experience and talent? Seems like you'd be down for the 1-2-3 a bit early..and that's just a waste of PPV time..so I'm going to have to decline your match..HOWEVER....Not So Ultimate Warrior has a match with you tonight..I'm sure HE'LL get the 1-2-3 pretty quickly to..or rather the "I Q-U-I-T" from you. And in closing, I've been hearing a lot of WHINING in the back about "Wanting to be in the main events again"...so I'll give a hasbeen a chance. Poofdust....RIGHT HERE TONIGHT...if you can beat DSM..who ALSO wants to be a main eventer again...then YOU will get first dibs on a title shot once we decide who the champ is. Have FUN....DS OUT! PAC 4 LIFE!"
"Welcome To The Jungle" hits and DS and Cryson work their way to the back.

Kyle Snow vs. Jeff Hanky

[WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT???] Kyle Snow's music blares up and the crowd goes wild. Snow leaps out from behind the curtain and waves Head around. He charges down and slides into the ring. He slams Head into the turnbuckles and runs around the ring a little. "Song 2" by Blur keys up over the PA and Jeff Hanky walks slowly down to the ring followed by Michael PeeAss Hayes. Hanky leaps up onto the apron and catapaults over. Hanky and Snow circle each other. [ding, ding, ding!] Snow goes for a tie up but Hanky catches him with a kick to the gut! Hanky swings Snow around and hits him with a DDT! Snow is holding his head on the ground. Hanky with a swift kick to the ribs of Snow! Hanky brings Snow to his feet and hits him with a scoop slam. Hanky climbs up to the top rope and hits Snow with a guillotine legdrop! Hanky hooks the leg....1....kick out by Snow! Hanky whips Snow into the ropes..leapfrog..Hanky goes for a back kick but Snow slides under it. Snow grabs Hanky..BELLY TO BELLY! Snow stomps away on the chest of Jeff Hanky! Snow brings Hanky to his feet and whips him into the turnbuckle. Snow follows up with a series up elbows to the chin of Hanky! Snow puts Hanky on the top turnbuckle..Snow moves into position under him..he has him on his shoulders..LYGER BOMB! Snow brings Hanky back to his feet..he scoops him up...nice shoulder breaker! Snow steps on the shoulder of Jeff Hanky and twists the arm! Brutal! Hanky is screaming in pain! PeeAss Hayes is on the apron yelling at the referee! Phil is trying to get him off the apron. Snow lets go of Hanky and goes over and yells at Hayes. Snow picks up Hayes by the shirt and CLOCKS him right off of the apron! The crowd pops! Snow turns around only to be greeted by a spinning heel kick from Jeff Hanky! Jeff Hanky leaps onto the fallen Snow and pounds away on him! Hanky hops up to the top rope...FROG SPLASH! Hanky hooks the leg....1.....2...kick out! Hanky yells at Phil demanding the 1-2-3! Hanky brings Snow to his feet..he whips snow into the ropes..he leaps up..HURRICANRANA! But NO! Snow reverses...POWERBOMB! Snow bridges over....1....2..Hayes knocks Snow's feet out from under him, breaking the pin! Snow leaps up and jumps onto the ropes..he yells at Hayes and says if he interferes one more time, Head will sic him! Hanky from behind with the roll up...1....2...kick out! Snow and Hanky both on their feet! They're duking it out! Hanky with an eye gouge! Hanky grabs Head from the corner and is ready to NAIL Snow with it! Hanky swings Head but Snow ducks and Hanky KOs Phil! Phil's out cold! Snow laughs and hits Hanky with a low blow! Snow grabs Head back and NAILS Hanky with her! Hayes leaps into the ring and Snow hits him with Head so hard that he flies out of the ring! Snow is standing in the ring with Phil and Jeff Hanky out cold and the crowd is cheering! All of a sudden the lights start flashing Red and "Fire Water Burn" hits! The Prood storm the ring and attack Snow like a pack of wolves! They're pounding away on him! Stedge whips Snow into the turnbuckle and Kenntian connects with a kick under his chin! Stangrel grabs Snow...DDT! Stedge drags Hanky on top of Snow as the lights come back on. The Prood escape to the back as the lights come on! What a cheap win for Hanky! Phil begins to regain consciousness...he starts to make the count....1..........2..................3!!!!!!! Phil's calling for the bell, Jeff Hanky will go down as winning this one!
Winner: Jeff Hanky via The Prood at 11 minutes and 3 seconds

Cujo-What an INCREDIBLE match!
Dude Vince-Almost as good as Austin vs. Undertaker! In fact that was SO good I say we have that match 50 more times!
Cujo-You heard it here first, folks, the genius marketing strategy of the WWF....but next up, we have the Semi-Finals for the CO Belt Tournament. The winner of this will go onto this months PPV to fight the other finalist FOR THE CO BELT! Bad Ass Stan Gunn....Kaney...ONLY in SPCW....

Semi-Finals for the CO Belt:
Bad Ass Stan Gunn vs. Kaney

[I'm an ASS MAN! Woahwoaaaaaah, yeah, I'm an ASS MAN!] "Thugz Cry" by Bizzy Bone hits and Bad Ass Stan Gunn comes down to the ring being lead by Va-Chyna. Bad Ass shakes out his hair and takes a sip of his water bottle as he enters the ring. He gives the crowd a few crotch chops as Kaney begins to enter. [I......OWN......ARBYS] "Scar Tissue" by The Red Hot Chilli Peppers begins as Kaney slowly walks down the ramp as the lights dim to a pale red. Kaney steps over the top rope and Bad Ass starts throwing punches at him, having no effect at all. [ding, ding, ding!] Kaney shoves Bad Ass off of him and Bad Ass rolls out of it. Bad Ass circles The Big Red Retard looking for a weak spot. Bad falls to one knee and low blows Kaney! Kaney shows no pain and grabs Bad Ass around the throat! Kaney tosses Bad Ass into the corner and wails on him with some VICIOUS chops! Kaney chokes Bad Ass with his boot....1.....2....3....4....5...Phil breaks it up. Bad Ass is trying to recooperate as Kaney waits patiently, tightening his gloves. Bad Ass charges at Kaney but gets LEVELED by a big boot! Kaney brings Bad Ass to his feet and hooks him...VERTICAL SUPLEX! Kaney scoffs at Bad Ass as he pulls himself back to his feet. Bad Ass charges again and ducks Kaney's right hand. Bad Ass clips Kaney's knees from behind! Kaney collapses to the ground! Bad Ass grabs Kaney's knee and begins to stomp away on the inside of it! Bad Ass drags Kaney over to the ropes and hangs his leg over the bottom rope. Bad Ass positions himself over it and begins pounding away on Kaney's knee! Bad Ass drags him away from the ropes and calls for the Figure 4! Bad Ass hooks Kaney in the Figure 4 leglock and Kaney is desperately flailing around trying to get to the ropes! Bad Ass grabs onto the ropes for more leverage as Kaney continues to fight off the pain! Kaney tries to flip over but Bad Ass breaks the hold before he has a chance! Bad Ass brings Kaney back to his feet and KICKS his leg out from under him! Bad Ass brings Kaney to his feet but Kaney retalliates with a headbutt! Bad Ass draws back. Kaney limps over to Bad Ass and wraps his hand around Bad Ass' throat! Time for the CHOKESLAM! Kaney picks him up over his head but Kaney's knee gives out from under him and he collapses! Bad Ass brings Kaney to his feet and knees him in the gut...FARTER-DROPPER! Bad Ass stands up and holds his hands over his head! He struts his stuff around a little as Kaney lays motionless. Phil goes over to see if Kaney's all right. Someone runs through the crowd and hops into the ring..it's MIKE CRYSON! He's got a chair! Bad Ass turns around and Cryson NAILS Bad Ass with it! Bad Ass collapses in a heap! Phil turns around and sees Bad Ass KOed as he helps Kaney back to his feet. Kaney limps over to Bad Ass, still shaking off that Farter-Dropper. Kaney picks up Bad Ass off the ground..scoops him up...TOMBSTONE PIZZA EATER! Kaney holds down Bad Ass' arms....1.....2.......3!!!! Kaney advances to the finals for the CO belt at this months PPV!
Winner: Kaney via Mike Cryson at 10 minutes and 23 seconds

Cujo-A come from behind win by Kaney! I was SURE Bad Ass had that one wrapped up...
Dude Vince-THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE HERE COMES KANEY!
Cujo-[stares at Dude Vince who is just sitting there quietly now] WHAT was that?
Dude Vince-........I hate Austin.....
Cujo-You almost make me miss DS....next up..someone who's a bigger crackhead than Dude Vince! It's The Underbaker and a rookie here in SPCW....SPOON...defending the tag team belts....

Tag Team Title Match:
New Revolution vs. Underbaker/Spoon

[Welcome To The Revolution.....] "f--- Dying" by Ice Cube and Korn hits up and New Revolution walks out in synch as the crowd erupts into cheers. Triple Puke gives a few crotch chops on the way to the ring while Quiz remains cold and uncaring. They slide into the ring and the lights dim to green as the pyro goes off. Mystic chanting comes over the loud speakers and the lights shut out.[Oh wha ta goo siam oompa loompa..] "The Omen" by DMX hits as The Underbaker walks out with Spoon in hand. Underbaker walks solemnly to the ring as the crowd boos him like crazy. He walks up the steel steps and commands the lights to come back on. He steps over the ropes and puts Spoon on the turnbuckle. Quiz and Triple Puke charge at him from behind and begin to wail on him! [ding, ding, ding!] Quiz and Triple Puke send Baker into the ropes and level him with a double clothesline. Quiz gives a few extra stomps on Baker while Triple Puke brings him to his feet. They whip him into the ropes and he ducks a double big boot! Off the other ropes...DOUBLE FLYING CLOTHESLINE! New Revolution goes DOWN! Triple Puke rolls to the outside to escape but Quiz is caught by The Baker! Baker picks up Quiz and whips him into the turnbuckle and Quiz goes down! Baker brings Quiz to his feet and hits him with a vicious knife edge chop! Quiz bounces back into the ropes. Underbaker wraps his hands around Quiz's throat and begins to choke him out over the ropes! Triple Puke back in the ring...from behind he flips Baker out over the ropes! Quiz collapses in a heap, gasping for breath. Triple Puke slides to the outside. Triple Puke brings Baker to his feet and lifts a knee to the gut and hits him with an elbow to the back of the head, sending him to one knee. Triple Puke picks up a folding chair and swings it at Underbaker, knocking him down! Triple Puke picks up The Underbaker and tosses him in under the ropes. Quiz brings Baker to his feet and sets him up...he goes for a powerbomb...REVERSED! BACK BODY DROP! Baker is angry now! Baker picks up Quiz and sends him into the ropes..BIG BOOT! Triple Puke slides into the ring and Underbaker demolishes him with flying lefts and rights! Underbaker picks up Triple Puke...CHOKESLAM! Underbaker scoops up Quiz...TOMBSTONE PIZZA EATER! Baker looks at his fallen foes and then looks over to Spoon. He goes over to the corner and exchanges a few words with Spoon and then TAGS HIM IN! Baker picks up Spoon and raises him HIGH into the air! Triple Puke from behind..he CLIPS UB's knee out from under him! Triple Puke grabs Baker...DDT! Spoon is lying HELPLESS on the mat..Triple Puke drags Quiz onto Spoon......1.....2...Baker charges to save his friend but gets a kick to the gut and a PILEDRIVER.....3!!!! NEW CHAMPS! Triple Puke hops around in the ring with his gold. Quiz stands up groggily and raises his hands in the air. "f--- Death" blares over the loudspeaker as the crowd goes crazy!
Winners and NEW SPCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: New Revolution via pinfall at 14 minutes and 45 seconds

Dude Vince-What a match! I was rooting for Spoon the whole way..he HAD New Revolution RIGHT where he wanted them...maybe I should sign him to a contract...
Cujo-Sorry, Vince..Spoon is SPCW 4 LIFE....next up..ANOTHER tournament match for the CO Belt...the winner will go on to face KANEY at the PPV..Kyle Snow has quite a score to settle with The Prood for messing up his match with Jeff Hanky

Semi-Finals for the CO Belt:
Kyle Snow vs. Stangrel

[Are you ready....?] "Fire Water Burn" starts as Stangrel walks down to the ring holding his cup of "fluid." He laughs evilly as the crowd boos profusely. He gets about halfway down the aisle when [WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT????] Blares over the loudspeaker and Kyle Snow rushes down from the back and nails Stangrel with Head and begins to stomp away on him! [ding, ding, ding!] Looks like this match just became a NO DQ match! Snow brings Stangrel to his feet and whips him into the steel rail! Snow hooks Stangrel..SNAP SUPLEX onto the steel ramp! Snow hops down from the ramp and reaches under it and pulls out a metal cookie sheet. Snow charges at Stangrel with the cookie sheet but Stangrel counters with a kick to the gut of Snow! Snow doubles over and drops the sheet as Stangrel follows up with an uppercut taking Snow right off of his feet! Stangrel picks up the cookie sheet and waits for Snow to get back to his feet..{CRACK!} Snow goes BACK down! Stangrel laid him out! Stangrel brings Snow back to his feet and walks him to the outside of the ring where he SLAMS his head into the steel post! Stangrel reaches under the ring and pulls out a table! Stangrel sets up the table on the outside of the ring and nails Snow with a strong right hand, sending him back to the ground! Stangrel grabs Snow...GUT WRENCH POWERBOMB ONTO THE CONCRETE! Gangrel hooks the legs....1.....2....kick out! Stangrel shoves the time keeper out of the way and grabs his chair and walks back over to Snow with it. Stangrel sets up the chair and hooks Snow for a DDT onto it but Snow reverses it into a Northern Lights Suplex! Phil makes the count...1....2...kick out! Snow grabs Stangrel and hits him with a knee to the groin and follows up with a FACE SLAM! Snow folds up the chair and beats the fallen Stangrel with the hard ridge of the chair! Snow lays the chair flat and brings Stangrel to his feet. Snow scoops him up....TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER ONTO THE CHAIR! Snow makes the cover...1.....2......kick out! That was more like 2 and 3/4! Snow picks up a battered Stangrel and whips him into the table! Snow charges at Stangrel but Stangrel flips him up over his head and THROUGH the table! Stangrel picks up Snow and tosses him back into the ring. Stangrel grabs Snow and whips him into the turnbuckle...Stangrel hops up to the top rope as a dazed Snow turns around...TORNADO DDT! That SHOULD be all! Wait! Here comes the rest of The Prood! Kenntian hops up to the top rope as Stagrel holds Snow upright. Kennytian flies off the top rope with a missle dropkick but SNOW DUCKS! Kennytian LEVELS Stangrel with the dropkick! Snow is back to his feet..he scoops up Kennytian...BLOW PLOW! Stedge charges but Snow LEVELS him with Head! Stangrel is back to his feet..Snow grabs him from behind..GERMAN SUPLEX! Phil makes the count...1........2........3!!!!!! Snow advances to the finals against Kaney at this months PPV!
Winner: Kyle Snow via German Suplex at 15 minutes and 39 seconds

Cujo-Redemption for Kyle Snow is sweet as he goes on in the CO Tourny to the FINALS. Speaking of redemption..next up is HELL...IN A CELL!

Hell In A Cell TV Title Match
Big Van Cartman vs. Poof Daddy vs. Kyle Drozdov

[I Am SOOOOOOOO Poofy!] Poof Daddy's music hits and he appears at the top of the ramp flexing for the crowd. The crowd boos like crazy as he gives the Fabulous Freecocks sign. Poof Daddy laughs as he approaches the cell. He looks it over and finally steps through the door where he...yet again...flexes. "Prisioner Of Society" by The Living End kicks up and the crowd goes wild. Droz explodes from the back in a dress and a big ol' hat. Prince Stanbert and Mad U.S.A. walk out behind him looking kind of embarassed. Droz struts down to the ring and checks the sturdiness of the cage and finally gets through the door and stares at Poof Daddy, waiting for him to make the first move. [It's TIME...It's TIME...It's ARBYS TIME....] "Gimmie Some Mo" by Busta Rhymes starts up as the SPCW Television Champion, BVC walks out from behind the curtain to a mixed reaction. BVC raises the roof and does a little dance on his way to the ring. He unstraps his belt and hands it to a ringside assistant as he walks into the cell. [ding, ding, ding!] Poof Daddy and Droz eye each other cautiously as BVC growls and tells them to bring it on. Poof Daddy charges at BVC and gets caught with a BIG BELLY TO BELLY! Droz from behind on BVC now, pounding away on his lower back! BVC goes down to one knee and Droz grabs him from behind..INVERTED DDT! This match is already starting off high-impact! Droz marches to the outside of the cell and grabs 2 chairs and tosses them into the cell. Droz picks up a table and drags THAT into the cell. BVC is back on his feet. BVC and Poof Daddy lock up! BVC whips PD into the ropes and lays him out with an elbow! BVC heads into the ropes and knocks the wind out of PD with a HUGE legdrop. Droz walks to the back of the arena to get MORE weapons for this match up! BVC brings PD to his feet and gets him between his legs....POWERBOMB! BVC sets up the table in the corner of the ring. BVC is DEMOLISHING Poof Daddy! BVC brings PD to his feet and SLAMS his head into the steel cell! Droz is FINALLY returning from the back with a DUMPSTER full of weapons! He parks the dumpster outside of the cell and grabs a frying pan. Droz from behind BVC with a frying pan {CLANG!} right over BVC's head! BVC goes down! A bloody PD is on one knee trying to stand..Droz clotheslines him to the outside! PD is down, inbetween the ring and the cell! Droz charges at BVC with a shoulder block and sends him down to the ground! Droz brings BVC to his feet and sets him up over the folded chair...PILEDRIVER ONTO THE CHAIR! BVC is holding his head and rolling around on the ground. Droz heads into the ropes and FLIES over the other side, crashing down onto Poof Daddy and sending them both into the steel cage! Droz is pounding away on the face of Poof Daddy! Droz goes for a body slam on Poof Daddy but Poof Daddy reverses it into a small package...1....2...kick out! Poof Daddy with the heel of his boot catching Droz's forehead! PD leaps back into the ring and picks up a chair. BVC just pulled himself to his feet and stares PD right in the eyes. PD charges at BVC but BVC side steps and Poof Daddy goes CRASHING through the table! BVC picks up PD and whips him into the turnbuckle and follows up with a HUGE splash! PD stumbles around a little before collapsing. Droz is back in the ring and he's got a lead pipe! Droz swings the pipe but BVC ducks..BVC bashes either side of Droz's head with his HUGE hamfists! BVC grabs Droz..DDT! BVC sets up the chair and grabs Droz...POWERBOMB THROUGH THE CHAIR! Droz could be out cold. PD is coming out of the corner brandishing a wrench! He swings it! {BONK!} and BVC goes down! Poof Daddy sets up a ladder in the center of the ring. PD drags BVC over to the ladder and SLAMS his head into the bottom rung! PD hops up to the 5th rung and sets up for a neckbreaker from up top but BVC throws a right cross which catches PD in the jaw! BVC moves to the other side of the ladder and it topples over onto Poof Daddy! BVC picks up the ladder and sets it up again and begins to climb to the top. Poof Daddy, fearing a moonsault begins climbing up to the top as well. Poof Daddy and BVC are battling it out on top of the ladder! WAIT! Droz from below! Droz NAILS the ladder and it topples! Poof Daddy goes flying off of it but BVC IS HANGING ONTO THE TOP OF THE CELL! Droz picks up Poof Daddy and props him up in the corner..Droz with a chair {BANG!} right to the face of PD! He's out cold! Droz hooks the leg of Poof Daddy....1.....2..WAIT! BVC LETS GO AND PLUMMETS DOWN ONTO DROZ! OUCH! BVC just SQUASHED him! BVC rolls Droz onto PD and covers....1.......2......3!!!!! A DOUBLE PINFALL!
Winner and STILL TV Champion: BVC via...squash at 30 minutes and 22 seconds

Cujo-A tough loss for Droz who almost had it won..if anyone deserves that TV title, HE does...
Dude Vince-I disagree, I think that Poof Daddy should have won! I mean...maybe he could hook me up with his mom..Judy Sagwell....ME-YOW....
Cujo-Okay..Vince...get back in your cage..I'm tired of this...
Dude Vince-No! Not the cage! Don't make me go back!
Cujo-[points to the back]
Dude Vince-NOOOOOOO...I HATE AUSTIN! [stomps to the back, pouting]
Cujo-ANYWAY...joining me for commentary now..is EVERYONE'S FAVORITE owner...Demonspawn
DS-Thank you..thank you..it's nice to be back in a...ahem...LOW position...
Cujo-Yeah..well..you were certainly missed...next up..Ravin Stan in a CHAIRSHOT match...I'd be careful, DS...Ravin might just come after YOU with that chair!
DS-Yeah, I'd like to see him try it..that hack...he was passed his prime 10 years ago...

Chairshot Match
Ravin Stan vs. Big Poppa Roid Pumpa vs. Psycho Jimbo

[This goes to all my FREAKS out there!!!!] Big Poppa Roid Pumpa's music hits and he stalks out from behind the curtain flexing and scowling. He yells some obscenities at the crowd as he slides into the ring and is handed his chair. Psycho Jimbo's music starts as he walks down the aisle, twitching nervously as he gets to the ring. Jimbo steps over the ropes and is handed his chair. [QUOTE THE RAVIN...NEVERMORE!] "All In The Family" hits and Ravin Stan leaps from the back bringing his own personalized chair which has a big bullseye on it with DS in the middle. It's painted black and red and says "Nevermore" and "Ravin" all over it. Ravin Stan slides into the ring as the crowd pops like crazy! [ding, ding, ding!] Ravin leaps at Jimbo and SLAMS the hard edge of his chair on Jimbo's hand causing Jimbo to drop the chair! Ravin NAILS Psycho Jimbo RIGHT in the head with his chair {THONK!} and Jimbo is OUT! Big Poppa swings and misses at Ravin! Ravin kicks the back of Big Poppa's knee and he stumbles! Ravin capitalizes with a VICIOUS chairshot! {WHACK!} Big Poppa is out cold too! Looks like Ravin has won this with little or no effort at all. Wow that's-
[Ravin grabs a mic]
Ravin-This is PATHETIC! Can NO ONE beat me for the WAR title? I challenge ANYONE in the back to a match! You're all a bunch of pathetic f---S! You HEAR me! ANYONE! BRING IT ON! WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT-
"It Ain't My Fault" hits and DSM runs down the aisle and slides into the ring! Ravin swings the chair but DSM boots it back into his face! Ravin stumbles a little..DSM spins him around...DIAMOND PUKER! Ravin is OUT! DSM gives the "PUKE!" sign and gets a mixed reaction from the audience. "It Ain't My Fault" hits as he walks to the back.
Winner and STILL WAR champion: Ravin Stan via chairshot in 2 minutes and 56 seconds

DS-And THAT is what POOFPAC 4 LIFE means! Right THERE! Cujo, mark my words...next Heavyweight Champion is D-S-M! The man is rejuvinated! Didn't you see him on Leno?
Cujo-Yes...in fact I did...very impressive...
DS-Yeah! I mean, how many times have YOU been on Leno, Cujo?
Cujo-...well...none...
DS-EXACTLY! You know why? Because you're worthless! You're just an announcer..we send you to shithole cities like Greensboro and Rhode Island (that IS a city, right?) for autograph signings and pay you minimum wage..you'll NEVER be champion!
Cujo-(sighs) Next up...3 way dance for the WH with The Poof as the ref...
DS-Ahhh..HBK..now THERE'S the franchise, baby...mark my words he's going to be the NEXT Heavyweight champion!
Cujo-(sighs)

Triple Threat Western Hemisphere Title Match
HBK Stan Michaels vs. Healthy Boy vs. Jimbo Jarret

[Do you SMELL what the Poof is COOKIN?] The Poof's music hits as he walks out to a HUGE ovation. He's wearing a striped shirt which says "The Beefcake Ref." He steps through the ropes and raises The Beefcake Eyebrow and the crowd pops. [Don't P*SS me off!!!] "Hate Me Now" hits and Double J walks out to a mixed reaction. He raises his guitar in the air and Debra follows close behind him, prancing around like a ditz. Double J steps through the ropes and offers his hand to The Poof but The Poof spits on the ground. Double J laughs as he begins to take off his Scottish garb for the match. [HEALTHY BOY!!!!] "Du Hast" hits as Healthy Boy walks down the aisle laughing maniacally. He slides into the ring and runs around a little bit. He gets to the center of the ring and hits a few crotch chops as the pyro goes off. [Ohhhh! Ohhhh! Ohhhh! Stan!] HBK Stan Michaels grins as he dances out from behind the curtain. He flexes and poses with his WH belt around his waist as the pyro goes off. He steps through the ropes and gives the "Poofpac 4 life" sign and grins. He taunts The Poof a little and The Poof looks ready to smack the taste out of his mouth. [ding, ding, ding!] Double J and Healthy Boy dive at HBK but HBK dodges and challenges them to "Bring It On." Healthy Boy and Double J look at each other and nod. Healthy Boy locks it up with HBK..Healthy Boy with the whip into the ropes...Double J catches HBK with a knee to the gut and follows up with a double axe handle, sending him down to one knee! Healthy Boy with an eye gouge sending HBK stumbling back! HB from behind...SIDE SUPLEX sends The Champ crashing to the mat. The Poof looks as if he's just trying to stay out of the way. Healthy Boy and Double J stomp away on the battered HBK. Double J brings HBK to his feet..he whips him into the ropes...HURRICANRANA but HBK catches him and POWERBOMBS him to the mat! HBK making a come back! Not for long! Healthy Boy nailing HBK in the chin with a savat kick, sending him down! Healthy Boy brings HBK to his feet...SWINGING NECKBREAKER! HB goes for the cover....1....2..Double J drags him off and slaps him in the face! Healthy Boy retalliates with a strong right hand sending Double J back into the ropes! Healthy Boy with a kick to the midsection fo Double J...he sets him up for a powerbomb but Double J reverses with a back body drop to the outside of the ring! Double J stares at HBK and they lock it up! Double J with an elbow to the side of HBK's head...Double J follows up with a snap mare takeover! Double J moves to the top rope...but HB from the outside, shakes the ropes and Double J falls crotch first onto the ropes! HB hops over the top rope and brings Michaels to his feet he whips Michaels into the ropes...HBK ducks a clothesline and comes off the opposite ropes with a FLYING CLOTHESLINE! HB hits HARD! HBK brings Double J to his feet...SNAP SUPLEX! HBK is on FIRE! HB is back on his feet but HBK moves in and sends him down with a spinning back kick! Double J charges at HBK and HBK retalliates with a TILT O WHIRL BACK BREAKER! The man is ON A ROLE! HBK sets up in the corner...stomping his foot...HB is back on his feet....CHEESYPOOF CHIN MUSIC! DOWN goes Healthy Boy! HBK is posing and flexing as the crowd boos mercilessly! The Poof has seen just about enough..he walks over to HBK and slaps him across the face. HBK comes back with a right hand..BLOCKED..Poof counters with a left hand! The Poof whips HBK into the ropes and CATCHES HIM...that can only mean ONE thing...PUKE BOTTOM! HBK is out. Double J slides back into the ring with guitar in hand...The Poof turns around and Double J swings it and misses! The Poof with a kick to the gut of Double J...he hooks him.....PUKE BOTTOM! The Poof is raising THE BEEFCAKE EYEBROW OVER ALL HIS FALLEN ADVERSARIES! The Poof walks over to HBK and drags him on TOP of HEALTHY BOY! The Poof makes the fast count...1,2,3!!!!!! [Ohhhh! Ohhhh! Ohhh! Stan!] The Poof raises HBK's limp hand and then gives him one last stomp for good luck before sliding out of the ring!
Winner and STILL Western Hemisphere Champion: HBK Stan Michaels via The Poof at 20 minutes and 22 seconds

Cujo-What on EARTH? WHY did The Poof help HBK? Maybe HE wanted a crack at him at the PPV!
DS-Speaking of the PPV...it's a week from this Sunday starting at 9:00 PM EST..Fully Bloated, baby! Don't miss it! Only 29.95! Call your parents! Bug them until they get it for you!

I Quit Match
Roadkill Kenny James vs. The Not So Ultimate Warrior

[SPEAK TO ME WARRIORS!!!!!] "Carnage Rulz" hits and The Warrior storms out from the back like a hurricane and slides into the ring. He shakes the ropes madly and foams at the mouth a little. He runs around the ring and screams at the top of his lungs. [OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW?....WELL YOUR ASS BETTA CALL SOMEBODAYYYYYYYY!] "Thugz Cry" hits and Roadkill Kenny James walks down to the ring with mic in hand. He says some comments about Warrior's mom but right before he gets to the ring his music is interrupted. [Ohhhhhhhhhhh....CHA!] "Welcome To The Jungle" hits and Demonspawn walks out from the back to an ovation of boos, swirling a tazer on his finger. He has a mic and begins,
"Roadkill...now..I know you folks from DP are very..uh..HONORABLE but I have a request to make. Now, I've seen your challenge...for a lumberjack match at the PPV and I like it. But I want you in your top condition. So my deal for you is this...you simple say "I QUIT" into that mic right there and end this match..and I'll take you on at the PPV...you CONTINUE this match...and you'll never get to me. Deal?"
Roadkill looks to the audience and they give a mixed reaction, he picks up the mic...
"Well, DS..may I call you DS? Everybody knows that the R-O-A-D-K-I-to the double L don't lay down for ANYBODY...but I think I'll make an exception...I QUIT! Happy? See you at the PPV...BOSS! And I got two words for you....POOF IT!"
Roadkill throws down the mic and charges at DS who escapes to the back...
Winner:NSU Warrior via forfeit at no time

Cujo-Verrrry clever DS...but I'd be worried...Roadkill has a lot of experience behind him and he's a pretty big guy...THIS is a match I won't miss at Fully Bloated...
DS-[holds up a sign that says "FULLY BLOATED-July 23, 9:00 PM-29.95 Featuring: Demonspawn vs. Roadkill Kenny James...CALL NOW!]

MAIN EVENT:
Boxing Match
Bad Ass Stan Gunn vs. Mike Cryson

Bo Buffer-Ladies, Gentlemen and children of all ages. May I introduce to you tonights MAIN EVENT. It is a CLASSIC feud between Degeneration Poof and The Poofpac. So I have ONE question for you BESIDES "Where's The Beef?".....Are you READYYYYYYYY!? I SAID....are you RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEADYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!??? For the thousands in attendance and the dozens watching on the internet....LLLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!!!!

[Woaaaaahwoah I'm and ASS MAN! Yeah....cause I'm and ASS MAN!]
Bo Buffer-Ladies and gentlemen...may I introduce to you first..coming down to the EXCITING theme of "I'm An Ass Man"...weighing in at 245 lbs and standing at 6 ft 6..the master of the Farter-Dropper...former Tag Team and Western Hemisphere Champion...in the Perriwinkle Shorts with big lips on the back and the blue gloves..he is...BAD ASS STAN GUNN!

[Welcome To The Jungle....we got fun and games....]
Bo Buffer-And his opponant...coming down to Guns And Roses "Welcome To The Jungle"...weighing in at 230 lbs and standing at 6 feet and 4 inches tall...the man with the golden gloves..who will finish you off with the Mean Mamma Jamma Right Hook...in the red trunks and black gloves..symbolizing the Poofpac's colors....he is...the bodyguard of Demonspawn....MIKE CRYSON!

Cryson and Bad Ass are both in their robes. Cryson's robe says "No Fear" and Bad Ass' says "Kiss My Ass." DS (Cryson's cornerman) is warming him up and giving him last minute advice. Roadkill (Ass' cornerman) is doing the same. Cryson and Bad Ass come out from the corner and touch gloves. [DING......DING.....DING!] Cryson and Bad Ass cricle each other..Bad Ass unloads with a flurry of left and right jabs to the breadbox...all blocked. Bad Ass swings wide with a right hook and Cryson takes the opportunity to NAIL Bad Ass in the face with a left cross! Bad Ass takes in right in the jaw and crumples to the floor. Phil counts him.....1......2.....3.....4.....5....6.....7.....8....he's still not moving.....9....10!!!!! Phil's calling for the bell! The entire Poofpac come in and jump around, celebrating Cryson's victory! Cryson removes his gloves and slyly hands a horse shoe which was in the glove to DS who puts it in his back pocket. Roadkill is trying to wake Bad Ass up but he's still KOd!
Winner: Mike Cryson via left cross in 2 minutes and 18 seconds

Cujo-That's dirty pool!
DS-NO...that's dirty boxing! Looks like Cryson gets to decide what the stipulation for his match at FULLY BLOATED is...I'm sure it'll be an...INTERESTING one....
Cujo-Next up...we have a HUUUUGE match to wrap up tonight...it's Poofdust vs. DSM...it's really a battle for pride...
DS-SPEAKING of Poofdust..if you order Fully Bloated now..we'll send you a free copy of Poofdust's book "Swedish Made Penis Enlargers And Me: That Sort Of Thing Is My Bag, Baby!"...absolutely FREE!

Poofdust vs. DSM

[FEEL THE.....PUKE!!!!!] "It Ain't My Fault" hits as DSM runs down to the ring and slides under the ropes. He gives the Poofpac symbol and then the "PUKE!" sign as the crowd boos him. He leans on the ropes and waits. [.24k Productions...presents...POOFDUST] "The Rainbow" plays as Poofdust comes out with a serious look on his face. He steps through the ropes as the fans cheer. He feels himself over and spits on the ground, challenging DSM to attack. [ding, ding, ding] Poofdust and DSM circle each other. [QUOTE THE RAVIN..NEVERMORE!] Ravin Stan charges down to the ring with his specialized chair and NAILS DSM, flooring him. Ravin Stan BELTS Poofdust with it too, sending him flying!

Cujo-Ravin Stan is on a rampage! That's all the time we have tonight...maybe we'll get all this Ravin..Poof...Poofpac..DP...EVERYTHING sorted out on Monday or Sunday...see you then..don't forget about FULLY BLOATED!

[Camera fades as Ravin Stan is standing on the turnbuckle with his chair and the crowd is cheering wildly]